Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
