she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
