If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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