You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
