So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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