We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
