I showed him my bush... on skype.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
