y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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