i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
