The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
