I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
