You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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