I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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