You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
