Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
