I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
