I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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