A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
