I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
