He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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