Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
