Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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