and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
