How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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