You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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