Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
