As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
