No awkward lesbian experiences without me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
