Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
