When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
