i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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