The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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