No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
