Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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