I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
