and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
