we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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