It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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