Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
this is an emotional support booty call
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
