I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Holy sore nipples Batman
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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