My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
