My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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