I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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