The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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