you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize