you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
