She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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