mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
