Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
