Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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