I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she pinky promised me she was 18
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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