I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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