I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
