yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
