I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize