that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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