you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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